Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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