I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
