Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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