Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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