easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
