We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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