This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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