Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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