my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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