I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
