Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
false alarm. still invincible.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
