Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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