why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
