Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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