we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
