Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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