My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
