We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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