Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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