I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
