the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
