You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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