If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
