whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
