Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
