good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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