I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The adults are the big ones right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
