i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
