he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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