This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize