i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
