sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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