When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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