and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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