"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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