Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
