my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
false alarm, still single
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