Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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