sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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