i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
