she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
