Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize