If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
