You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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