I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My feet surprised me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
