Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
