i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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