I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
