In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize