new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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