hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
we should paint friendship bongs
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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