Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think my moral compass just broke
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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