Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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