3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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