He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can't turn off my feet"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
