Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
