Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
