Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
