I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Too much gin, very little bucket
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
