my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
